We have put together some interesting ideas and exercises from the best relationship books for you.
Our “style of love”
Our “style of love” – to whom we become attached in adulthood and how we show it – depends on what we experienced in childhood. There are two types: based on confidence (“I feel comfortable with a partner”) and uncertainty combined with anxiety (“I am jealous and worried that they will stop loving me”) or avoidance (“I find it difficult to show my feelings”). Now try to guess which type gets the most satisfaction from sex?
Partners in healthy relationships are ready to help each other cope with feelings – and this is always the free choice of each of them.
Of course, the first. But you can work on the attachment style. The main thing is to realize what and why you are doing wrong. Try to control your emotions according to the sleeping hedgehog game model. Imagine that your experiences are a sleeping hedgehog.
Seeing him in the chair where you were going to sit, you should:
- name the beast that you see (that is, your feelings);
- pick it up (recognize that feeling is real);
- figure out what he might need (what do you really want?);
- Tell your partner about this need so that you can help the hedgehog together.
- It’s certainly impossible to simply throw the animal at the partner with the cry “Sleeping hedgehog!” And think that the partner will somehow cope with the thorns. This is your hedgehog. The calmer you are, the less risk there is of getting hurt or injuring someone else.
Healthy relationships = healthy body
Here are some important research findings. Try to just realize it!
Among people who considered social support insufficient, the rate of premature mortality was 340% (!) Higher than among those who were comfortable with communicating with loved ones.
Patients who “feel loved” rarely have a blockage in the coronary arteries, the complication of which is a heart attack.
1100 healthy students completed a questionnaire on the degree of closeness with their parents. After half a century, scientists found these students. Those with cancer had worse relationships with their families. Interestingly, the guys have a bad relationship with their father as a serious harbinger of oncology.
Harvard students were asked to describe their father and mother. Thirty years later, in middle age, 29% of those who spoke well of parents had some kind of illness. But of those who described the father and mother in a negative way, they were sick … 95%!
Convincing arguments in favor of the fact that friendly and strong relationships with people are important not only for emotional, but also for physical health.
What attracts women?
What primarily attracts women? Inflated press? Six-digit bank account? Tall handsome man on a white horse? No, no and NO.
Napoleon Dynamite (the hero of the film of the same name) was right when he said: “Girls need only those boyfriends who know how to do something cool.” Maybe you don’t know how to fight with nunchucks, shoot from a hunting bow or hack into sites like a cool hacker. But no matter what you can do, women will be enchanted by mastery, if you can demonstrate it in what is interesting to you.
In other words, if you collect stamps, become a famous and status collector. If you collect garbage, become a famous, knowledgeable and powerful garbage collector.
Women are attracted to men who know how to become president and head … of themselves.
Six second kiss
Information for men.
Each time, parting with each other – and it doesn’t matter where you go: to work, to the store or to the gym – give her a goodbye kiss lasting six seconds. Not one. Not two seconds. Namely six. If you want to stretch it for two minutes – fine. But no less than six seconds. And do the same, meeting after breaking up. Six seconds of kisses each time without exception.
At the dawn of your relationship, you kissed constantly, so there is no reason to stop doing it. This creates a romantic mood. It strengthens the passion. Why a kiss? A kiss activates the flow of oxytocin, weakens fears, and therefore strengthens confidence.
Use or lose!
“Use, or lose!” – this is the rule of brain change No. 1. Neural pathways constantly respond to the external environment. With repeated stimulation, the path becomes stronger. However, if neurons are inactive for a long time and your brain does not feel the need for them, they weaken. If you looked at the brain of a person who stopped curating one of the parts of the body due to amputation or paralysis, you would see that there are no longer any paths leading to this part of the body on the “map” of the brain.
The rule “Use or lose!” Also works in cases where relations between people are subject to a certain pattern. This can be seen in the example of long-married spouses who forgot how to discuss problems without wrangling and stinging remarks: during the marriage, the neural paths for these habits became rigid and inflexible.
How to love yourself?
To improve relationships with someone, first, a woman needs to add harmony to her relationship with herself. Here are 2 exercises
The first is to accept your own body. Women constantly say that they are overweight or need to lose weight. But almost never talk about their beauty. Undress and look at your own reflection in the mirror. Ignore judgmental thoughts. Describe in detail aloud everything that you like. Admire yourself! Do this exercise as often as possible until you learn to value your beauty.
Create your own microworld where a positive attitude towards sex reigns and where you are able to enjoy and use your sexual potential to the maximum – source
One more thing. The ability to empathize with oneself. Describe in detail on a piece of paper the situation for which you are blaming yourself. Tell us about all your critical thoughts. Now write in the corner the name of a close friend. Imagine that he shared with you the problem that you described. How to console and support? Answer in writing. Reread all the tips. Of course, this is for you, not for a friend.
The conclusion is: never tell yourself what you would not say to your best friend.